Defenders Of Freedom

Virgo

Most people would call your obsession with the Jonas Brothers weird and disturbing. Pay these naysayer’s no heed, they don’t understand how liberating it feels when you’re cheered on by the twelve year olds in the chat room. It’s perfectly normal for a 47 year old to reconnect with his youth by obsessing over a teenage boy band. This has nothing to do with the fact that the Jonas Brothers and I share the same sponsors.

McDonalds, I’m lovin it.

Taurus

Stop calling your mom twice a week, you’re just bugging the shit out of her.

Scorpio

Your plans for world domination may have fallen short by your lack of knowledge of particle physics. But don’t let that get you down, you still have your loving audience of house pets and plants. They don’t mock you to your face.

Even if you don’t have the nations of the world bowing down to you, you still have your part time job as a bouncer at the strip club.

Boobies rule.

Sagittarius

Did you ever watch ants crowd around a discarded food on the street and carry it back to their nest piece by piece?

No? Well, you’ll have time to do that now, you’re losing your job.

Pisces

Today expect the unexpected.

The unexpected may come in the form of a half eaten corn dog nestled between the couch cushions. Rejoice in your find since you sold your food stamps for crystal meth.

Libra

That guy at your work. You know, the fat guy who says “How’s it hangin?” anytime anyone says “Hi” to him.

You could kill hi and get away with it.

Just FYI.

Leo

Just because your testicles shrunk, your libido is near microscopic, and the local aerobics class is scared of you doesn’t mean you should stop juicing. It just means that they are all jealous of you.

Make them beg.

Gemini

King of the Hill isn’t funny, you’re just too baked to know that by the time it comes on.

Capricorn

Don’t bottle up your fears, that guy who sells soft pretzels in front of the K-Mart just might be tapping your phones after all. Since the local police have ignored your complaints you’ll have to take matters into your own hands. Just don’t let your state appointed psychiatrist know that you know he’s in on it.

Cancer

Stop wasting money buying pints of ice cream. Just buy the big case of it and accept that you’re a fat ass.

Aries

Some problems have arisen this month, and some wisdom is all you’re looking for from friends. Unfortunately they won’t return your calls so I’ve got advice for you. Why pay for a full abortion when you can pay for half of one?

You’re welcome.

Aquarius

Your parents have lied to you your entire life.